Ten Things Divorcing Parents Need to Keep in Mind

(ARA) - It’s a sad reality but one we as a society must face and understand for the children’s sake. One million couples file for divorce every year, and their marital breakdown is most often heartbreaking, mystifying and painful for their children. The youngsters, regardless of age, can’t help but feel sad and angry, and in many cases partially responsible for what happened, even though the situation was completely out of their control.

“There’s always been so much emphasis on how hard it is for the adults going through a divorce to deal with things, and the need for them to get help; but the kids are the collateral damage and really ought to be the first consideration,” says Dr. Jessica Lippman, who co-authored the new book “Divorcing with Children” (PRAEGER) with long-time friend and colleague Dr. Paddy Greenwall Lewis.

During their 30 plus years of experience as clinical psychologists, both Drs. Lippman and Lewis have seen countless children who were once thriving, happy individuals become sad and withdrawn. “For the kids, divorce is experienced as a death -- the death of a family,” says Dr. Lippman.

“It’s not quite as devastating as a death because you still get to see the parent, but the feelings are very similar. Just like with a death, in a divorce you have to deal with separation and loss,” says Dr. Lewis.

While it’s impossible to take the hurt away, there are things parents who are contemplating a divorce, or actually going through one can do to ease their children’s fears. First and foremost, agree both doctors, reassurance needs to be consistent.

Here are 10 tips to keep in mind:


1. Be sure to tell the child he or she is not responsible for the divorce or separation;

2. Assure the child they will not be sent away like the absent parent;

3. Encourage children to talk openly about how they are feeling. Keeping emotions bottled up inside is not good for them;

4. Convey to the child that although divorce is disruptive, it’s better than the parents continuing to live together in discord and making the whole family unhappy;

5. Make sure the child understands the adults are unhappy with each other, not the child;

6. Do keep meaningful relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends intact;

7. Don’t try to alienate the child from the other parent. It’s not in his or her best interest;

8. Don’t use condescending or derogatory terms when referring to the other parent;

9. Do present a united front when problems arise. This sends a message to the child that you both care about the child and want what’s right for them;

10. Treat the other parent with respect.

“When we sat down to write this book, it was our goal to provide people who were either contemplating a divorce or actually going through one with a guide that would help them do what was in the best interest of the children. I think it’s a self help book that will make a difference for a lot of people,” says Dr. Lewis.

You can find “Divorcing with Children” at Borders, or order directly through the publisher at the Web site: www.Greenwood.com. The book can also be found on Amazon.com.

Courtesy of ARAcontent